its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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