So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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