You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
