Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
