i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
