Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
