my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I could fuck to npr.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Pants are for mortals
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
