Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
