OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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