i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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