I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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