dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
