what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
