she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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