I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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