I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
