Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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