He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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