if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize