Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
