With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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