also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
