Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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