Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
