genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
