my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
