i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
