then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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