I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
