Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
