tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize