Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
