two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize