Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize