got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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