im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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