Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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