I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
