I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
