Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
