im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
