Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
