I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
