Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
