My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize