I am puke
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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