I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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