Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
false alarm. still invincible.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
