worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
