What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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