No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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