One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
