She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
