I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Houston, we have a squirter
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Randomize
