I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
