The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
